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Waiting
He was a college student taking up nursing and he was waiting.
He was sitting inside the classroom, listening to the lecturer, as he fought the sleep far off his consciousness. He was waiting for the time to strike noon when lunch would come, inviting. He was writing notes onto a page of his notebook, inscribing things that would remind him of the important things that he needed to remember. He was jotting down, waiting for his memory to serve him well and help him instill the things that he wrote into his learning. Unconsciously, his thoughts were freeing themselves from the confines of the four-cornered classroom, seeking the face of the girl running around his brain among the beige colored hallways of his university. He was waiting for her to leave his head as he tried to cruise through the topic on complications that could arise from intravenous insertions. He was waiting for her to leave him alone.
And at lunch, when seat works were passed and food started to come into mind, he coolly left the classroom and let his feet carry him to where he usually ate his lunch. He had his eyes spontaneously moving around but not necessarily looking at anything. He prayed, he deeply prayed that she would not cross his path. He prayed for no confrontation. He prayed for no contact, none of hers at the very least.
But he waited still, that at some point he would have even a moment’s glance of her.
His breath was slowly progressing and steadily deepening. He could feel his heart in tachycardia, racing, and pacing fast. He did not know why but for some peculiar reason he was anticipating. He was waiting for the moment when words of anger that he kept inside would be allowed to flow and be screamed out loud. He wanted her to know that she hurt him then, and he is hurting still.
He ravaged the food he bought, which he thought was always a little too salty. And as the oily viand slip effortlessly into his lips, he knew that he there was only one way to keep that girl from running around his tired thoughts. He had to find something else to compete with her relentless talk, with her perfectly soft and long black hair, with her smooth and fair complexion, with everything about her. And good thing there was this one thing that would, the party at the quadrangle tonight.
So he put his iPod on and listened to the music he had to master. And with the loud tearing of the riff by the great sound made by his idolized rhythm guitarist, he slowly flew into the music, with every slide, the hammerings, the strums endless. While the excitement started to build, he waited for the hour when he and his band would play. He waited for the moment of their musical glory, but all the while he too waited for her to disappear from inside him, and try though he might, there was her face that still lingered. He waited in vain.
Lecture passed, and he got his guitar and wore on his change of clothes. He waited and lounged in the council room, wanting to savor the triumph of their set. But as life always does, and as life always is, the thing he did not wait for came.
“Hi James,” the one who filled his thoughts came in.
And he just sat there, with the memories of a love that has passed, with remnants still resonating, crept through his veins, the hands held together, the careless whispers of “I love you”, the kisses shared. He just sat there. His eyes were intent upon hers; he could say nothing for he was waiting for her apology. He wanted to say that she was sorry that she was untrue; he wanted her to beg him to have her back. He waited. All she gave for his waiting was a smile and a whisk of her hair as she grabbed her lyrics and then she headed for the stage. “Our band is next James. Let’s go,” that is all she gave.
He played his rhythm guitar, he sung second to the voice of the girl who caused him much pain. The lights upon him didn’t matter as he glanced incessantly at the girl who lead the band with her glorious singing, the woman he waited for, whose back was turned to him as she delivered the music that they long practiced. He could recall, when the “us” of him and the girl he loved was still the truth, that at one line of this song they were playing, she would leave the audience sight and she would turn around, look at him and sing to him the lines that he knew was meant for him. He waited to hear “and I would never change for I am yours, I am yours, forever yours”. His heart once again in tachycardia, and he waited.
He waited but she never looked back at him. All his waiting was rewarded only by a tear that he shed as he strummed his guitar.
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Rejection
You told me things that I thought you told no one else. I don’t want to sound pretentious but you looked into my eyes, as words of pain flowed, and gave me the look of sincerity. I felt as if I was your only confidant.
I listened intently, never knowing the implications of knowing things from you far too much. I should have been able to see it, you’re a girl, I’m guy, and things like this usually lead somewhere. Was I blinded? Isn’t just one big cliché if you thought about it? How can I explain the expectations I had?
As time went by, with every stoplight that went pass, I got to know you more… and I tried sharing some of myself. Conversations were filled with your sorrow with an old love of yours, and I grew to hate the guy. I hated him for being such an ass, for being so blind and clueless, for being insensitive, but most of all, I hated him for doing those horrible things to you. Even before noticing it, I was fighting for you. I fought with this nemesis, who was that guy, inside my head. Boy did I have some things I wanted to do to him just to make him pay for what he has put you through.
You were always so sweet. You never turned away when I came around. I always felt special around you.
I always thought of you kindly, your confessions to me, even though I was never in one of them, I took to heart. I unconsciously made your problems my own. Because you made me feel special, I wanted to make you feel the same way you made me feel.
And when it finally caught my attention, I thought it through. What was I doing? Who were you to me? What is this I’m feeling and am I going to do something about it? Am I stupid? I asked myself ‘cause I’ve never courted a girl before. This would be suicide. But it would be worse if I’ve done nothing, if I just sat in our coursing jeep and listened.
I’ve prepped myself for you. I’ve gathered all the courage I could muster just to give gifts to you. I’ve left you sweet nothings just for you to notice me. I wanted to take your mind off that guy who broke your heart and make you notice me so that I could mend it.
Finally, I asked you out on a date. You said yes but I was starting to notice some kind of change. I let it slide for love made me rusty… I used to be quick with these things.
With my letter, I asked if you would be able to return my feelings towards you, and I waited for your reply. And I waited. I waited.
When waiting was no longer bearable, I looked for you, because suddenly you were as invisible as air, as hard to find as a grain of sand on a beach. And as I found you, I asked why so, and all you gave me was a letter.
I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted it to make me smile. I couldn’t wait for it to change my life, I couldn’t wait for you to come into my life and make a difference.
I expected something, that’s where I was wrong.
You said sorry, along with your apology was a rejection. I couldn’t read on.
this was written 2007 and is dedicated to the first person whom i loved and broke my heart.
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He Had No Choice
Times were hard on him and he was trying his best to keep his head afloat. Jumping from an idea to another, just to be able to think of ways to earn money, and he was stuck. The guy, in his early twenties, was young and still a bit idealistic. Life has badgered him near hopelessness that it came to a point that he was almost apathetic. But by being conscious of how much his mother strived to give him the best education he could have, food on the table, clothes to wear, he could not help but feel that it was just that he find work. He dreamt of a life that was better.
And so he did, therefore, jobs, he sought. But, in spite of his excitement, much of his emotions were leaning on longing and regret. He was young and fresh out of sweating for a bachelor’s degree. His entire being craved the relaxation he thought he much deserved, he prayed long and hard for it. But true to the irony of life, the hiatus was not to become reality for him, he had to work.
He was never really told to work after graduation, but something in him sensed that his family needed the extra income, and needed it badly. And much to his dismay, his plans for going for the work he aspired having, was no longer an option ‘cause it wouldn’t be enough to keep his family from being kicked out of their rented apartment. He ended up in one of the jobs he thought that he would never be swallowed into – a call center agent.
Yes, he was excited, even enjoying the rigorous process of training for the job, but in his mind, he was still the young boy in college who treasured the seconds of being a student and enjoyed every single one of those seconds. He looked forward to working and actually earning money, but he feels as if he jumped from a developmental milestone, missed a step and skipped to a level after. He has concluded, with much consternation, he was already a full-fledged adult.
It not only his that youth was compromised in the pursuit of livelihood; he was also realized that his personal and social life was also dwindling into non-existence. He was never one to complain but he couldn’t help but feel rather lonely with the fact that he was no longer to see the people he called friends and grew to love. Worst of them all, his girl called off their relationship for she could no longer feel his presence in the relationship. But he can’t do anything about it. He was trapped between his love life and hunger - he had to make a choice.
Now, after a couple of months, the young man’s friends had time and money to undergo seminars of their profession. Some of them had an option of taking vacations. Some of his friends were also looking for jobs but it was not really as much of an immediate need for them, as much as it was for him. Also, his relationship with his girlfriend died, quite abruptly, for he had not much strength to keep up his routine of dates with her, now that he has work. That, his girlfriend could not understand. So she asked for a break from the relationship. And being a guy who thinks that a person is entitled to his own decisions, he agreed. He wouldn’t be able to do anything about it anyway. He had to give his all to the training so that he would be accepted for the job. A lot depended on it.
He was bound, ball and chain to this predicament. He knows that if wanted, there was a way of getting around his problems. But he just couldn’t figure them out. As much as he hated it, his life was strongly influenced by the problems he kept on having. His life revolved around money.
